Remembering Cait Collins

08 March 2005 |



MS_allthat
I was in tears today - and I wept like a little kid. Caity will always remain to be a special person to me.

Way back in 1999 November, I met Caity in VP (excite poetry cafe), she used to be a regular there as MS_allthat.

Caity also was the Editor of www.the-hold.com - an ezine which was filled with Cait's energy.

When I was struggling with my life as a Travel Consultant - Caity taught me the basic HTML stuff - and how to build websites. She urged me to take up writing as a career. Whatever a writer or a journalist I am today - it is all because of what Caity saw in me. I'll never let her down.

Cait always had very kind and inspiring words for me. She used to tell me, "kid, get a raft, and row away to freedom." That was Caity - one who really believed in being positive.

Towards the end of 2004, Caity got in touch with Aunt Kath (in Australia) and conveyed the message that she wants to get in touch with me.

I was so moved.

Caity always asked me about Tanya and her twin children. She knew it too well how much Tanya and two little kids meant to my life. She loved the little girl - Lada - a lot. And when Tanya told me Lada maybe having some congenital health problem, Caity was there for me, asking me to believe in the real miracles of life - love and care!

Caity is always a special person :-)

I could write on and on and on about the thoughts we have shared over the last five years.

When one of our fellow-poet, a young girl of 21, was brutally raped by three men (of course in America), I just couldn't deal with the pain. Caity then told me, "Sans, she will never get over it. Trust me, she will get through it."

And this is what Caity wrote to me on 02 January 2005 - her final message to this kid she liked muchos.


----- Original Message -----
From: caitcollins@
To: Santhosh
Sent: 02 January, 2005 08:37
Subject: Re: Hi caity!


hey hey! hapPy holeeedays.. if ya celebrate over that side of the globe...please use this email addy if ya wanna.. the other i haven't been able to access months on end so i ain't gonna use that anymore.. damn hotmail asswipes hehe...twat ya been doin man!???.. as for me i'm fine and dandy..guess ya heard /read (somewhat) bout the horrible breast cancer ordeal i went through all durin last year butttt my docs are magicians and they got me this far and everything seems to be alright ..doc appt's are spannin further apart etc.. never been to so many different doc appt's and testings in my entire life.. never been sickO in my entire life.. guess we all end up with something the trick is to get rid of it.. lol... anyways lemme know what's goin down with ya man... got my spunk back.. so look out lalalalalala xxoxoxox cc.c.c.c.c



+++++++++++++++++



I couldn't hold back the tears. I still cannot believe Caity is not with us anymore to share her love and energy with us.

Once I asked Caity for a poem to publish in my poetry website. She sent me one - a masterpiece!


**give it up**

give it up, baby, it's
been a long
while, I said.

I have no desire, he
replied.

you
have no desire
for what?

sex.

what's
the matter with
me?

nothing.

then what
happened
to you?

it's a fact: when
you get old
you don't
want
it
anymore

you are only
47 years old, man
who told
you you
are
old?

it's the way
it goes
down
babe.

you act like
you're ready for
a permanent
gurney
ride.

I feel
like
shit.

what's
the matter
with
you?

I have
the gout.

what the hell is
the gout?

some
sorta
arthritic
condition.

well, is there
a
cure?

I am on
prescription
medication.

is that why
you don't want
to fuck
me?

it's a
definite
side-affect, you
know
I still
love
you.

what if I
suck
your balls
all the way into my mouth and
lick them
like you
like them
licked?

I don't
want you
too.

you ARE sick!
so
now what?

we
give it
up.

WE give it up?
hahahahaha!

you're
a whore! go
away.

like what
am I
supposed
to do
while
your
out of commission sign dangles
from your
penis?

don't you
still
love
me?

o, that
well...

I gave
it
up.

©cait collins 2000


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is one of Caity's recent poems...

the crumbcake lady

she’s there with
her sister in the
waiting room waiting
for radiation treatment
her sister both
look mid 60ish…

her sister tells
me about how
she herself had lung cancer
a few years back
radiation made her
terribly sick and
she had no
appetite for food whatsoever
and she said her sister had
the same as me -
breast cancer…
the sister made it through
the lung cancer ordeal

i felt lucky
radiation didn’t bother
me and my desire for food
-healthy

the sister receiving
treatment don’t say
a word
sits there
sadness and
despair hovering like
a black raincloud ready
to burst

i saw you looking at
that coffee cake
in the little café
in the lobby
do you want
me to get you one…
sis asks sis
she declines with
a flick of her hand
...take it home for later... sis added
she nods her head no

this waiting room
morguelike
nobody talks to one another
the faces of
these people
unsmiling
apparently lost
all optimism hope and
the lust for life gone
ahead of time as
they sit there despairingly
waiting for the gust
of death

they call my name
i pop outta the chair
flop my backpack over
my shoulder & say..
dammit i hate
that name…
but that’s the one
i had to
give them

a few chuckled and
i walk back
take my turn

i found out
the crumbcake lady’s
name was ms lolly
ms lolly wasn’t there
the next day but
the following day she
hobbled out
of the changing room with
the blue gown everybody
changes into


i said to her…
hey! you ever get that
crumb cake…?

she looked at me
and glumly said
no and i couldn’t care less
and never said another word
to anybody

i was in and out
i crossed the waiting room
to the changing room
stretched my arms to the ceiling
& exclaimed:
ahhhh now that was a bestest
zap session yet-how i feel
like a new woman!
…and
i go into
the changing room
replace the
blue gown with
my inside out
sweat shirt
when i come out
ms lolly says to me
you sure have a good
outlook on life i
really admire you

i sat next to her
told her i take after
dada then i asked her
how many weeks of
radiation ?

i don’t know after this i go
upstairs and they do something
to my head.. ya know i have it
everywhere.
.. then they called her
name and she got up and went back…

the following week i
brought a slice of crumbcake
for ms lolly but
i never saw her
again

a few weeks later i overheard
the doctor on the phone at
the nurses receptionists desk
callin for hospice…

--- for ms lolly

3 comments:

SillyBahrainiGirl said...

Sorry to hear about your loss.

sume said...

My condolences to all her readers and friends. Her poetry is very lively. I take it that it was in tune with her personality. Thanks for the notice, Sans.

Sally said...

Today I received an email from a friend who frequented the Poetry Cafe back in Ninian's day. I had heard Cait was ill and tried to get in touch with her to no avail. So..to Cait:
You were the original deal.
One of a kind to the extreme.
Rooms lite up at your arrival.
And became dim when you disappeared.
Your laugh was contagious and
Your joy for life was never more
Apparent then when your Van rocked.
Living in the finest sense of the word was your creed.
I never saw you down and out.
All I can seem to remember is that
Meaningful grin that spread sunshine the world over.
Belated hugs to you my dear friend.

With much love and fond memories,
Sally aka Stellablue/Host-Delia